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Is it possible to love and be loved back? It's the question he asked as he felt her affection glow bright in his heart. The care of how he was doing or how his day was, her concern on his silence and her efforts to keep the communication alive all made him question the more. 

He was not used to this. 

His system was used to unappreciated and unequalled efforts. Where it was him and not her. Be it blames or efforts. Not to mention failures. He never woke to a good morning message nor slept by a good night message, let alone a “take care” word. All that could be found amongst her messages was “ok”, “sawa” and “you too” with countless “you didn’t do this or remember that”. But is it not what love offers out there.

You will sit and give a lecture on how stupid and foolish he was. But are you forgetting those romance classes where they thought us to understand those we love and create a space for them to learn to be better people? Or have you forgotten the emotional principle 101 that states that you should not question how she treats or responds to you lest you annoy her and end up making her cry? Let me then remind you of the basic need, one that you should supply if you forget all other things. You need to forget you are human and make her happy. Love what she loves and hate what she hates. She is always right and you are always wrong. 

Seems you need more because up to this point I feel like you are not concentrating. Where did I lose you? I am here to pick you.

He, like many, never thought that love was true out there. After years of rejection and pretended feelings, he had resolved that he will never fall into the trap again. Little did he know that he was a free metal in a magnetic field. Or should I say he was gas near open fire?

All around him was fine. He never thought of anything too hard. But every thought of how lonely He was, made him weak. As much as he tried to assume all these things he realized his faking was not that perfect.

***

Growing up in a family of seven, Jack had little to call his. The shoes he wore were either inherited or some mix and match bought from the nearest market at not more than 50 bucks. Other than his school uniform, the closest decent cloth he had was an oversized nylon trouser with a stripped shirt. This made him one of the iconic figures which you needed no name to identify. You could obviously point him out from among other kids even without considering the fact that he was tall. He never had a luxury to be called a best friend to anyone or rather no individual could be ready to ruin his reputation by tagging himself with such a looser. He could count some as his friend just because they were close to him not knowing that they were there just to take advantage of his abilities in math and science. Sooner than later, once they get what they want or it is “out of season” and they no longer need him, he was a laughing stock among them. Seasonal love.

Each day he woke to the dream of working his way to have this or that. He had his efforts focused on this very dream. But there was this thing that never left by his side, the desire to feel loved, appreciated and accepted. But his circumstances never allowed him to.

He was never a favorite to anybody, so to say but he had people he didn’t know that cared about and loved him. To him, they were like his mums. He lived to make them proud someday. He lived to make their dreams a reality. He saw them cry over their broken families and he always would tell himself he will, someday, work his best to reignite the hope of a happy family in them. Spending days without solid food was common in his environment. He lived to work that it may not be the case in his entire life. May be someday, he will have enough to not only feed his family but also to provide to those who never had.

In all his dealings, his lacks and his providences, God blessed Jack with all that was necessary at that time. 

Years went by and Jack grew to be a great boy despite all he saw happen around him.

Right from the hands of God, as man came forth an envisioned living being, God's image was reflected forth as God had designed. Not a dot on his image was off the Great Designer's original desire. As God beheld man, He could conclude and say 'indeed all now is very good'. the crowning work of creation, the center of all creation reflected the very image of God. His thoughts and imaginations, all pointed to the divine imagination of the Creator. The plan was now actualized. The work of creation was done.

However, man was to face his fate. He was to be put in test of his obedience. To obey out of love as opposed to fear. The character of God, the foundation of His very kingdom was now to be revealed through man's choice, whether it be to life or to death. 

Immediately man was created, his fate was put forth before him. In His instruction “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die” (Genesis 2:16 -17) was a command to obedience. In his perfect state, man could obey the command. When the woman was brought forth, man was to share the instruction given him by God. 

Occasionally, angels would minister to the holy pair sharing their experience of what disobedience bore in heaven. They could share to them how evil being found in Lucifer was unpleasing in heaven and how it brought a great separation between God and this originally holy being. That sin could drive Satan to have no place in his heart to accept God's leading. The holy pair could be strengthened with the hope giving words of the angels that it was possible for them to overcome the temptation to disobedience if they could fully  rely on God's providence and trust His word to be true. By sticking together Adam and Eve could strengthen one another incase one be tempted. There was strength in companionship.

Unfortunately, man fell to sin.

Eve in her attempt to seek independence gave opportunity to the tempter, the devil.

What was originally explained clearly to Eve to be “out of bonds” was now lessened to a mere hide of greatness. In giving room to think that God could hide such great transformation from them, Eve gave room to doubt God's love. She was now in the edge of choosing between obeying out of love or out of fear.  Eve choose to disobey. Not knowing why the consequences were not immediate, Eve went forth to share her choice with Adam.

Adam, beholding the beauty, the joy and companionship he had enjoyed from Eve and now was about to loose, lost the consciousness that the very God that gave him this one could give him another of the same or even better feature. He chose to eat of the fruit.

At this point man was to die and be eternally extinct. But out of love, when the law demanded the death of a sinner, a ransom was found. Christ who was the insurance of man's creation offered Himself to die in place of man. Christ bore the guilt sin had caused man. God was reconciled with man through Christ. When man was required to die, Christ, the creator, offered to die in his place. O what manner of love. 

What a wonderful love.

Great love that a sinner, condemned to die would live again. I who was to die for my sin was ransomed by my creator dying. What a wonderful love. Love that saved me when I was ignorant of what sin had costed. 

Adam could not fathom the cost of his salvation. His children after even after having a first hand experience of what sin costed them, even the thin glimpse of the lost Eden could not fathom. That is what sin could cost. 

O that we could not indulge in sin to lose sight of the great things given and promised us by God. O that we could still hold forth our eyes o the love stretched forth to us by our creator.

The chances are that you won't find love in this lifetime. Very few people experience true love even once in life. And it's even more rare to marry that love. So, sorry to break your heart, but that's how life is. Honestly, you have just two choices. Either you wait for true love no matter how long it takes or you give up on love and marry someone as a practical compromise. That's the only thing in your hand. Love is not. Love is destiny. Love is a miracle. Love is the whole universe singing in one symphony for two special souls. Love is that rare, that, that rare. So either be crazy and wait for magic or be practical and adjust.

I have chosen to wait. Why? Because it's better to live in hope for real love than to live daily with a person you just pretend to love. At least, I will not have a regret that I chose this compromise. At least, I won't be stuck in a loveless marriage. At least, I won't have kids who have never seen their parents loving each other. At least, I won't add a number to the bulging list of people who don't believe that love exists. At least, I will have hope until my last day. And at least, I will not become a bitter mid-age adult who keeps cursing society and this social rule that everyone has to marry someone.

But with age, won't we need someone? Yes, you have needed people throughout. You needed a nurse, a doctor, a teacher, a cook, a maid, a tailor, a barber, and so on. So did you marry them all? What do you need, a person to talk to? Have you seen how passionately and romantically married couples talk to each other? Or do you need a partner with income? Why can't you earn your own money, then? Stop prostituting out your relationship status for money, please. Oh, you meant a person to take care of you, a person who loves you, and a person you can grow old with, right? But that happens only in true, real love. It happens only to the luckiest few. That's my point, either that love or nothing.

So how will I find that love? Love will find you, on its own. Maybe, someone reading this post will find you. Internet can be crazy. And love loves crazy.

~ Rahul Kaushik 

I never had a filter in my mouth. I used to be too real, too honest. And I had to always explain myself to people, what I really said and what I really meant. It was fine, initially. I mean, you put effort for people you really care about. So I always used to make efforts to make people understand my side of the story. One person after another, I kept doing it even after these people deserting me in my hour of need. People are strange, you know. They treat you like their soulmate when they need you. But the moment they are done using you, they leave you like a stranger. I have suffered that all my life. But still, I always wanted the attention and love of people. And my loud, rude mouth made it harder for me to convince people that I was a good person at heart. I mean, I hated to say those sweet things. I would do the sweetest of things. But I won’t say them. I would say the funniest or rudest things rather. But strangely, they never got it. They always ignored what I did. They just cared about what I said, sometimes in fun, sometimes, in anger.

And one day, I got tired of explaining myself. Why should I fight to be understood and loved back? Don’t you see what I have done for you? Can’t you see that I was always there for you? Can’t you realize that I am so real in this fake world? Can’t you see the goodness in my heart? And if you can’t, then it’s your fault. It’s you who don’t deserve me. Do you want to hear sweet but fake words? Go around, there are millions who are like that. Go to them. Both of you use each other and stay in your fake, plastic heaven. Here, in my world, what matters is your heart. Your tongue can be rude. You are allowed to be shy with your emotions. But your actions must never be selfish. That’s how I changed my life. I have stayed the same person. I cut down on people. I have left out almost all of them. I stay in peace. I stay me. I don’t care what people will think about me. I don’t give a damn about a person staying or leaving. I have moved beyond this social circus. I focus on what’s deep within me. The outside noise is just noise now.

~ Rahul Kaushik

They say everything in life has a time and place. You should marry by the right time. And when the marriage goes bad, they say your time was wrong. Are we a machine that was created to age until a point and then get married? What about us wanting to get married? What about us finding someone we want to get married to? What about love? No. All you care about is our marriageable age. Otherwise, our bodies will expire. 'You will have problems in bearing a child.' So? Should we rather have a child with a person we will never fall in love with than waiting for someone we would love to raise a child with? What kind of selfish and evil thinking is that? And is life really about becoming a parent? Is it our life’s purpose? To become an unhappy adult raising problematic kids in a home that does not know what love is? I think the world has enough of these sad compromises. A kid deserves happy parents, parents who are in love, not parents who were forced to marry for their age and family pressure.

Stay single as long as you want. Die single, if you don't find anyone, ever. Resist. Fight. But don’t marry until you want to. Just don't. There is no hell worse than a hell of a loveless marriage. Daily, you will be reminded how your life could have been different had you somehow just not married this person. Daily, you will curse yourself for not taking a stand. And daily, your soul will cry in that suffocating marriage cage. Why am I so negative about marriage? No. Marriage is a beautiful, beautiful thing. But it becomes the ugliest thing when two people are not in love. To live together to raise kids is not marriage. It’s more like a service provided to each other under a legal agreement. It’s like being maids to each other. How does that sound beautiful? It’s not. So marry. Please do marry. And I pray that it will be the happiest day of your life. I pray that you will live a happy married life until your last breath. But for that, you must wait for the right person. You must take a stand and say no until you find that love. And I pray that you find the magic that you deserve.

~ Rahul Kaushik

Dear wife (well almost)
I know you are still a stupid kid at heart. I know you still need your mom for everything and your dad still treats you like his little girl. I know marriage sounds like a big responsibility for which you are not ready. I know starting a family, becoming a lady of the house, and having a baby are heavy thoughts in your carefree world. Trust me, I understand. And I understand because I am as terrified as you are. But you know what? We will be fine, together. And no, I don't see my mom in you. I don't expect you to run my home and take care of me as my mother does. I want us to stay like two lovers. Let's mess up, together.

About cooking, to survive, one of us must learn to make Maggi at least. That's all I expect from you. So, chill. My home is not an old Bollywood set-up where you need to make a sweet dish to prove your wife credentials. What else can scare you? Hmmm, you will still have your own life, personal life. You can still have your own friends, go out with them, and just do your own things as before. And they don't even need to be my friends. And to visit your parents, you need to remember one important rule: Don't ask me. I am nobody to 'allow' when and how you can meet your parents. So please, just go.

And yes, career, well, do whatever the hell you want to do. I won't have any problem with anything that you choose to do. Stay in your job or leave the job and do something of your own. And kids, well that will be special and hard. I mean, I don't know how we will do it. I guess we are too stupid right now to even imagine raising a baby, but we will manage, together. I know pregnancy would be super hard for you. And I know it will change your world completely. But I promise that I will stay awake every night that you won't be able to sleep. I promise that I will be there with you, in everything that you will go through.

I know that there are shit scary stories floating around about marriage and how it ruins your life. But trust me, we will be a different story. We will be the love story that they show in movies.

~ Rahul Kaushik

She was mature beyond her age. Life made her strong and cold. She did not let anyone come too close to her. But with him, she was just madness. There was something about him that made her a child again. She was pure again. She was innocent again. She was loud again. And she was crazy again. He never judged her. He was a fiery person as well. But with her, he used to mellow down to his sweetest. He would tolerate all her dramas, all her mood swings. She would pull his cheeks. Mess up his hair. And even slap his shoulders, for fun. But he knew why she was that crazy with him. She felt safe with him. She always felt like doing more, expecting more, and stretching the line with him because she knew that she had that right. And she never felt that right over someone. She would start an argument with him for no reason, and he too would jump into that trap. They both were strong-headed, so things heated up in a minute. But then he would take a deep breath and smile at her, just smile. He would hold her hand and pour out love from his eyes. She would pretend to fight more, but she would soon burst into laughter and then end up blushing in that eye contact. They were like that, too stupid, but too much in love.

He was a hard man to crack. But she could make blush. She could make him shy. She could make him nervous. She was a dominating tigress. And he was no meek lamb. He too had that roar of a tiger. But she tamed him with love. And he liked that feeling. He always let her win those silly battles. He always made her feel that he was her human. He had to take care of her tantrums. It used to get frustrating at times. But whenever he was about to lose that temper, she used to make that innocent puppy face. And within a few seconds, he used to cool down and hold her hand in a squeeze. That was their “sorry.” That was their “I understand.” She did a million things in a day for him to leave. But just once, at least once, she would do or say something so sweet that he would cling on to her like a little kid holds onto his mom in a wild crowd. They were weird. But they were pure.

Hello son!

I know you are wondering why I could write this instead of just speaking to you. Why should a dad write to his son really? Does it mean that I fear facing you? Does it mean I fear talking with you about this? It is none of these. 

I don't think I skipped any of my history classes when we were thought that written records serve as part of good and reliable history than the word of mouth. In addition, I may not repeat exactly what I say in case you forget but you can reread for understanding. Besides, who doesn't know that reading opens your brain giving it a capacity to have more wisdom?

Son, I wish that you make none of the mistakes I made growing up. I also pray that you miss none of the opportunities I missed in my lifetime. In addition to these, I pray that you may not miss a lifestyle that I could see in dreams, papers, videos and in countable cases of my friends.

I wish you to have life at best to have no excuse of this or that. 

In this life, you will meet a lot of things. I don't think you will need everything. But with your human nature, I know you will desire them all. You will desire to own the world but you may not manage what it comes with. You will fail to be satisfied with somethings and look for better once. You will need in most cases to learn how to tame your heart's desires. 

As you grow, your love will expand from just loving yourself, I your dad and your mum to loving other people. You will have distinctions between your friends and best friends. You will have ladies as your friends. Some, you will be attracted to because of their reasoning, some their looks, some their background and may be some their fear of God. You may not meet people with all that you love in one package. Live in such with wisdom for they say, a bird in hand is better then in the bush. 
Son, I don't know what will be your priories but how I wish, when all confusion comes by the things you hear, see or think you may abode in silence, rethink without bias and allow the help of those senior to you as opposed to your agemates. How I pray that in such moments you may kneel down tell God the truth and also tell yourself the truth . That in those times, you may not be blinded by short term advantages but you may look forward to a lifetime benefit.

You will have the the ability to buy all affordable to you. But son, please don't buy pain to either you or anyone around you no matter how cheap it will be sold. If at all you will be able to, buy happiness. With it you can share without limit.

I know you have seen that we don't have somethings that others have but with your mother, I am grateful of the happiness we have. I hope we always give you a reason to look forward to coming home. You don't know how much each day I leave home I count minutes back home. Every minute away from you, your mother and your sister, has always been eternity. Indeed to me home has been where the heart belongs.
Son, growing up with your mother, we had our independent experiences. Your mum will share hers or may have shared with you. 

I too have been sharing with you every instance we have had. 

You have judged and you know it is different from what you are going through. Our age was different from yours. But still a few things are common. I want you to learn that life will serve us differently. To some a golden plate to some clay.

When you will meet people, my son never judge them by their looks, dress, skin or the fluence of their language. But may you look for some humanity in them. Never alienate anyone because they look different. Don't laugh or mock anyone for a mistake they have made. If you can do anything, help them improve.

Son, the other part of life is that, you will meet people who value you. People who depend on you. People who will look into your face and tell you, 'bro, you are worth your presence'. People who your absence will create a big gap. These, keep them for they do not make many of them.  
However, my dear son, the other side is sad. But it is reality you know. There will be some who will treat you as though you were vomited and not born. They will see you as an alien. They will enjoy what you will offer them but the moment you have nothing, they will not stand by you. They will spew on your face. They will hurt you and never feel any regrets. You will be there for them but they will not be there for you. These, handle with wisdom for they are many of them. 

Above all things son, you have been brought here for others. As much as you will take care not to hurt yourself for the sake of others, don't forget to plant a smile on someone's face every moment. Learn to apologize. Learn to listen. Take time before you speak. I, your father has messed up severally in this. Don't repeat it. You will own your thoughts but not your words. Offer a should to someone. Offer a hand to someone. Remember it will be true that you will be helpful to many but lack help when it is your turn. But let this not demolarize you. Whatever it takes, give without remembering and receive without forgetting. Never do any act of kindness expecting a repay. 

As some one said, your whole duty on this earth son, is to fear God and obey His commandments. His commandments include, loving those around you as you could yourself. This means if you wish they could call you, take your phone and call them. If you feel they could buy you something, go and get it for them. 

I pray for you son. I promise to be there for you. I don't promise to give you all you will need because inability to be satisfied is part of the characteristics of human wants. But I promise to be there for you whenever you need me. I know your mother. This is her ultimate desire too.

Son, if you will forget anything, don't forget that I love you. 

We broken souls are different. Only we know how the smile we smile is soaked in sadness. Only we know how much the dry eyes have cried. Only we know how the laughter hides the screams inside. Only we know how much the silence can haunt. They don’t understand us. They just can’t. Their hearts are not that deep yet. Their souls have not grown as much. They are just bodies. We are souls. We have felt things, deeply, purely. We have gone beyond feelings. We have dealt with energies. We are special. So please don’t feel bad if these normal humans don’t understand your “complicated” talks. We operate in different wavelengths. Don’t waste your time in winning their understanding. Quit on the explanations. It’s you. It’s your life. It’s your journey. It’s your scars. It’s your pain. It’s your healing. They. They don’t matter. You make peace with yourself. You find your own reasons. You cry your own tears. What matters is that at the end of this all, you are still standing tall, with your head held high. And for that, all you need is you.

I have seen people lose their sanity because no one understands them. I have seen people scream in frustration why everyone else can’t feel how they feel. I have seen people quit because it got too lonely. And that’s the harsh truth I want to slap you with. You are special, my friend. You have seen life at its darkest. You have gone through things most people can’t even stand. You have depth as a person. Save your emotions. Don’t waste them on these human bricks. They would absorb nothing. Learn to live with yourself. Learn to deal with your own mess. Learn to accept that it’s okay to feel odd amongst these “normal” people. You are an old soul. These are modern, plastic bodies. There is no match. Maybe, one day you will meet someone you will vibe with, same soul, same energy, same depth. And then, only then, open up your heart in a real conversation. But until that magical moment, preserve what’s unique to you. Preserve your emotions. Be proud of what you are, what you have survived. You are damn special, never forget that. Big Hug.

~ Rahul Kaushik 😊

After any heartbreak, the first thing that comes to your mind is that I will never come out of this sadness. My life is ruined, forever broken, shattered for life, and all these super sad phrases start screaming out at you from the online jungle of words and quotes. Even you yourself see your last few days or weeks and reach a serious conclusion that this is seriously the end, and nothing can redeem you. I understand. I understand exactly how helpless it all seems with clarity and logic. But that's bullshit. That's our first reaction to pain. It's so intense, so soul-crushing, and so paralyzing that you can't see any light in this dark hole ever. So, I am not arguing whether you are feeling the right thing. Of course, you are right. Even I would feel the same thing.

But, we all heal, sooner or later. The scars remain, but they too fade away, with each passing second and with each hug that you get. After a year or so, you too will look back and laugh at yourself for thinking that your life was finished. This all feels hopeless because you are too hurt, because your soul can't see any way out, and because you feel totally helpless even with people hugging you. It's a very personal and intimate emotion, this pain. Only you will feel this in your bones. Only you will live those heavy, damp nights. Only you will feel numb, looking at the mirror. Only you will start crying out of nowhere. Only you will feel breathless lying on the bed. Only you will scream into your pillow in anger. So I am not giving you that hope that someone will come and soak in your pain. You will have to cry your own tears, my friend.

But I promise you that you will heal. With time, your soul will learn to accept it. You will find your goals and dreams. You will meet new people. You will reconnect with the lost friends. You will rediscover your bond with your siblings. You will realize that you neglected your parents for someone. You will realize that you have wasted enough time in this doom. Just, just hang in there. Don't quit. Have faith. I have faith in you. Big Hug.

~ Rahul Kaushik

For a good while i had to reconsider the hymn “Take my life and let it be”. Not that it had any error in it or conflicted with any of my believes as a Christian, but I would always ask myself, “am I ready to really surrender  my life to Christ and allow Him do whatever He wills with it? Yes I know it is God's desire that i be consecrated from all unrighteousness. He desires that I may do all things pure and true that He may be seen in me, but am I ready to surrender the key to my heart?”

There were rooms in my heart that I kept to myself. Every time the hymn would play, it was as though a knock is made at the doors of these very rooms. with a torn voice I could whisper in my mind, “Lord, not today. Come another time.” I would repeat this not once, not twice but it became an habit. But patiently my savior kept knocking until one day I was ready yo open one of the doors. I saw Him through off the things that kept me comfortable and happy. Things that in them I found “peace for a while”. I never was ready for this but His tender voice gave me the comfort these things never gave me. He said to me, “Son, come rest for a while. You have for a long time struggled to keep yourself busy and happy. None of these have you found in these things. If any, it lasted but for a while.” I nodded my head in agreement as i shed tears of relief.

On analyzing the other parts of the hymn, I realized He desired that I surrender my hands to move at the impulse of His love and my feet to be swift and beautiful for Him. I never thought it could get that close. It was God's desire that I may serve Him reflecting His love. I may go to places He shall send me swiftly and with the beautiful message that He loves all humanity. Even to those I hate, those who have stood by me when i needed just someone to tell… How will I share  to them yet by hearing names close to theirs in and table, my heart jumps with hatred and pain remembering well how it felt when it first happened? This was never easy. As I thought of it it got more complicated as I realized that I am not doing all this to be seen as a good person before the eyes of my friends but for my King's sake.

He not only demanded my life, my feet and hands, but also He demanded my will that i may make it His. My heart to be His royal throne. Was I supposed to let Him dictate me on what I behold, listen to, places I go, what I eat and even my dress? Seemingly, yes. 

As if this was not enough, I was required to surrender the fruits of my sweat, my silver and my gold, that He may have control on how I spend my finances. Okay, I can try that because anyway, I will still be the one in possession of all these. He can not mislead me. 

When it reached a point He demanded that I surrender my love to Him, is where I never was ready. There was this girl i loved. Do you want to tell me I was supposed to let Him decide for me who to have for love? What if whoever He decides for me doesn't please me? I was not ready to do that.

So, for a long time I hesitated to make this hymn mine. I will sing it just to add a harmony to fellow congregation singers. But it never was part of me. I took my decisions served the desires of my heart with the best meats of life. Little did I know that I was loosing a golden opportunity.

But God. He was faithfully knocking still at my heart.

One day, the song was floated again for worship. This time it met me the moment i needed it most. I had had all that I thought with my wisdom was the best decisions but none had yielded any peace in my heart. Even the very decision i thought experience from others had thought me, yielded nothing but a great disappointment in my heart. I had tried to prove myself a man. A thing, had I been wise and inquired of Job, He would have advised me that it was foolish to gather my loins to prove myself a man before God. I had tried to prove myself strong and kicked against the pricks. A thing which Paul could advise me against. 

This day I sang the song meditating upon each word and at the conclusion i made it my prayer. I realized how far I had gone. How easy it could have been had I surrendered to Him long go. 

As I thought through the song reflecting on how long it had taken Christ waiting for me, I appreciated His love. 

This is the love I want to share with you friend. You my not have had a reason to surrender to God that He may take charge of any part of your life. But His love has compelled Him to wait for you to let Him into your life. It doesn't matter to Him how many times you have peeped on Him as He stands at the door. It doesn't matter how many times you have closed the door before His face. He still waits for you. He still waits for you to say, 'Dear Lord,

May you find courage to sing this hymn and make it part of your life more better than I did.

I don't want to be in love anymore. I just want to be left alone. And no, I am not depressed. No suicide is happening here, so don't go like: 'omg, you will be fine'. I am fine. Trust me.

It's just that I have lived enough of my life, feeling incomplete without a 'soulmate'. There were so many things that I wanted to do with the 'love of my life'. And now, I realize that I did not really need a soulmate for most of those things. I could have just lived my life, to the fullest, without a soulmate. I feel like a fool that I gave so much of me for someone who was just another page in the book my life.

And no, I am not bitching about love. Love is beautiful when you find real love, but I don't want it anymore. Love and its games can wait. I just want some alone time, me time. I want to feel 100% happy in my life, with myself, alone. And then maybe, I will allow someone to be a part of happy me. Almost everyone is a broken messed-up soul these days, and I don't want someone to come and add up to my mess. I am done dealing with troubled people. I can't be that 'let me save you' angel anymore. I want a normal happy life, with or without a normal happy person.

And you know, the problem is that I give too much when I am in love. I will do and notice small little things. I will make sure you feel special. And I will move mountains to make you feel loved. And the problem is that people don't notice such details. They don't notice the heart and soul you put into love. So I end up feeling like a loser who is not getting enough love back, a love that I deserve. So in a way, I dig my own hole, in love. So maybe I should wait and put all my love into loving myself.

Maybe one day, magic will happen. Someone will come out of the blue, smile at me, hold my hand, and the sparks will go bonkers again. But till then, and I will try my best, I will stay single. From now on, someone must be too good to make me fall in love again. And looking around, the kind of people I see, it's nearly impossible for someone to make my heart go all crazy. So from now on - I, me, myself, and my self-love.

~ Rahul Kaushik

The stupidest thing people do in love is to believe that it will last forever. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we should expect breakups. I am just saying that don’t be God. You don’t know what will happen. You don’t know what’s written in destiny. The only thing you know is that you have this moment. And in this moment, you are with the person you love. And that should be your goal. To live every moment. To live in the present. And to love as if there is no tomorrow. Sounds too filmy, not practical? You are right. It’s filmy. It’s not that practical. And it’s very rare. But that’s exactly why so few people are happy. Happiness is rare, my friend. Pick anyone around you, and that person will have a sorry love story to tell you. One thing will be common in all those heart-aching tales: “How can that person leave me, how?”

Well, welcome to life, my love. That’s how things roll here. People change. Things change. Feelings change. You will say “No, Abimon. How can love change? If it changes, it’s not love.” I agree. True love never changes. But how many get true love? One out of hundred, at very best. So, sweetheart, chances are that the love you are in right now will most probably not last forever. So, do I want you to break up right now? No. I am saying just go with the flow. Just love freely. Don’t put the baggage of forever on your love life. You two might be good people at heart. You two might even want to be together forever. But still, but still my darling, the chances are that you two will drift apart. How? Life happens. Love is rare. Need is common. We need another hand to hold. We need someone to call our own. We need a name after that “I love you.” We need a body to hug. We need lips to kiss. We need flesh to make love. That need is the naked truth that we push under the carpet. We talk about heart instead. We talk about souls.

The harsh truth is people can fall out of love. And it's okay. Love is not a prison of forever. They think that they can't unlove. But eventually, they all do. Some, listen to their own heart. Some listen to others' sorry.

It is a chilly evening. this is evident by fires lit at different fields as shepherds tend their flock. it has been a hot day and the journey has been long. Stories fill the air of people who have come from the city in obedience to the command of the new king. A census has to be made of all the people in their respective places of birth. 

Some of the villagers are now a laughing stock since they have no houses to dwell in. What a shame!

As the stories become sweeter and sweeter, the atmosphere is suddenly filled with sweet melody. The brightness is as of day. 

“The King is born”, says a bright creature to the shepherds. This is not a surprise to the shepherds. 'This is the expected time', says one. “Look there is his star.” Says the other pointing to the east where a bright star seems moving further east. 

Pause.

Have you ever thought about how trilling love is at times? Everywhere you go what you will think of is about this special person. When you look at anything around you, you feel you could afford some fr this special person. You know they love this or that thing and you are like, “I think I will buy this for them” just to keep them smiling. 

Your bargains in life are all about seeing them happy. You can't afford a moment with them on a sad face. You can't stand a moment knowing they are struggling with one thing or the other that troubles their heart.

Now think of it what it feels when it is never mutual.

One day, as He looked upon the earth, Christ was saddened. Seeing mothers loose their young children t the fatality of the grave. Sickness was all over. People taking one thing or another that which does not belong to them. Those who were to point them to hope took advantage of their situation to make a fortune for themselves. Crime was a good opportunity to make riches as they could sell sacrificial items to the criminals. What was meant to point to them a hope that is to come, became a routine.

This pained the saviour and He said, “It is enough. I shall go down to man and reinstate love. A love for one another. A love for their enemies. A love for their Creator.'

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.” Luke 4:18-19.

This was his opening remarks to a greater ministry. A ministry that was to turn the hearts of the children to their fathers and the fathers to their children. A ministry that was to show love to every kindred. A ministry that was to culminate with Him crucified on the cross. 

As he moved upon the earth, hatred was kindred within the hearts of men. Doctors no longer earn from their patients. It is said some would heal by a touch. Didn't you hear of this servant to the centurion that healed by just a word from Jesus? What about this blind man who was smeared with mad and commanded to go and was his eyes and will be well? Okay, you might miss that but you can not miss to have heard of this burial that came to a stand still when the young girl, daughter to Jairus was brought back to life. You mean even this news of this man whose burial was done four days ago being called out of the grave you heard not? Okay. Yu must have heard of this then. He fed five thousand plus with just five tilapias and two loaves of bread.

Every news paper headline, if there was any, had Christ did this or that. His fame became a threat. There was need to silence this man. Yet they could not find account to hold Him guilt.

After a good long time, there was found a clean plan that will eliminate Him.

One evening after knowing very well it was over with pleading with humanity. Still there was no good seen in Him of all the good He could do. He loves them but His love was received with a rejection. 

“Whom shall I release for you?” came the call from Pilate. 

“Release Barabas the great thief and crucify Jesus.” The congregation shouted. 

Amon the congregation I believe were family members or even the very people He healed, fed or helped in one way or another.

As I thought of this, it struck my mind of how many times we have rejected a true love from Christ. Don't you think it pains Him?

Think of the times you genuinely knew you loved someone. Yet they never trusted that you are anything close to what they could love. They never gave thought of the sacrifices you made for them. You got so attached to them yet they did not recognize it. May be ignorantly hey got themselves move over you. You remained with a pain you trusted time will heal. But still when you peruse through your memory, the scars will still be felt. Some time they may have not knew whether you felt anything about them.

Personally, I could say, if that be the pain that the Saviour goes through each day I put my education, career, fun, or anything in first priority than Him, then it is so painful.

How I wish we learn to love Him back daily. How I pray that we be able to tell Him, “Dear Jesus, You know I love you. Right?” each evening and morning. It is not easy to do so but it will start with you whispering this day a rue confession to Him. 

“Dear Jesus, You know very well I have not loved you as I should. Teach me to love you back genuinely as you have loved me. Teach me to choose you first, last and best. Teach me to love you with my heart. Teach me to think of you always. and teach me to put you first, last and over everything. Amen.'

When you are really hurt, it becomes a different world for you. Everything changes, slowly, with each breath. You become what you thought you could never be. Sadness changes us in more ways than we can think. It’s like someone takes away a piece of your heart, daily. And before you know it, you have lost too much of yourself. It does not happen in tears and screams for you to seek help. It happens in those silent, quiet nights. It happens when you are just staring at the screen, but you feel nothing. You see nothing. Everything just goes numb. And that numbness eats you up from the inside. You no more want people around you. You just want to be left alone. You don’t want anyone to even ask “Are you fine?” You are tired of explaining it. You are sick of people not getting it. You just want to absorb that pain in peace, all alone. And when you become so aloof, you end up pissing a lot of people. But you don’t even care. What can I give you? I feel so empty myself. How can I give you any care, love, or attention?

But people don’t live your life. People don’t suffer your pain. People don’t cry your tears. For them, you are normal. You smile. You laugh. You reply lol to their forwarded memes. So when you act a little weird with them, a little off, they take it as a personal insult. They judge you to have attitude problem. They start calling you selfish. They start taunting you. And the fights happen. You get mad because you are already hurting. So you burst. You take it all out, all that frustration. Things get worse, with one person after another. Before you notice, you have pushed away everyone. They blame you. And you blame them for not understanding you. After some time, you start blaming yourself too for ruining everything. Then you start blaming God for all your trouble. You get sick in your soul. Your bones are tired of this sadness. So you just give up on making things right. You choose to suffer it all silently until one day your soul screams out in fight. And then, you build a new you from the fallen ashes. But you miss the people you lost. You miss the old you.

When a close person changes, it hurts like hell. Not lovers, but they can be friends, more than friends, or just a beautiful relation without any name. You know, the problem is that these people are just too close to you for you to not notice when they change. And when things start to change all of a sudden, your heart sinks. You feel totally cheated and helpless. You can't cry like a heartbroken lover. But your soul screams in its silent pain. It affects you deeply. You start to become restless and rude. You can't tell anyone because no one would understand the gravity of your loss, the suffocation. They will say 'as if your lover left you, lol, chill.' But how can you chill when your souls felt the warmth in each other's shadow? How can you let it go when it was one strong pillar of your life? How can you move on when you had so many dreams with that person? How can it not affect you when you closed your eyes and prayed for that person?

Not all relationships need 'I love you' to be special. Some people are just too special, and no one else would understand that. You have spent too many special moments for it be just like a passing friendship. It has that charm, that honesty, and that realness that's so rare these days. So when that person chooses to make a special bond an ordinary name on the phonebook, it rips your soul apart. How can you let it become ordinary? How can you just live your life without me being a part of it? How can you stop telling me everything that happens in your life? How can you stop asking me whether I am fine as you saw a sad post from me? How can you not call me to tell me a stupid thing that happened with your relatives? How can you not tell me what your mom taunted you with today? How can you not tell me how you took my name while talking to another person because you are so used to say my name? How? How can you change that? We promised, na. We promised that we will stay the same, always. Then what happened? How can you break my heart and act as if nothing happened? I feel so, so bad, you know. How can you? How?

It hasn't rained yet you feel the cold running down your spine. Your heart rate is beyond normal. Your can not explain what has happened to you suddenly but you are not normal.  Your appetite is gone. You zeal is dead. What else will keep you going if all this is but lost. You have a life to live yet you feel you have no purpose to live for. Had you stopped taking your eye to that direction, you could not have been in this mess. The dream that you have always woke from is now a reality that you can not run from. Where is your heart? Is it gone with your thoughts? Are you sick of the emotions you sort? Hope time will heal you. And if you die before then, may you forgive yourself.
~APEK INC

I am sitted in a matatu. Thhe conversation is alive with exchange of thought from my right to my left. Seemingly the left is stronger than the right. It is all about road safety. 

A few minutes ago,  we have encountered an accident scene. Lying lifeless,  is someone's son,  husband and maybe father. Dry stains of blood can be seen with some parts still shining fresh. As always,  i am dumbfounded. I see how one's state can change from alive to death. 

It just reminded me of the many times I have crossed the road. I have lost friends to road accidents. I have seen friends whose physical life has transformed in a second by accidents. Am I any good than them? Absolutely NO. 

What is there in life? Every single second is planned for within our minds,  either conciously or unconciously.  Yet we know not whether truely we would live that moment to meet the plans. 

We try to do our best yet,  yes,  we fail.  EEvery mpment we live is just  an opportunity given for us.

I can relate that today as I wole I felt I needed to sleep longer. I don't know how I got such exhausted bit what I know is my mind was not working well. I had to take a nap yet I had planned my day. I know of days I have pushed myself an extra mile to meet things that would lay a foundation for the next day. 

Surely,  wwe have no power over the next minute but we have to live. 

Is there anything good that we have done to deserve a chance for the next minute? Are we any good than the people we see lying lifeless? 

It is time we live for thw moment. If there be any enemy through your daily encounter in the day,  mmake aright with them. If there be any good deed you ought to do,  go for it. 

If you have to buy flowers💐,  bbuy them while the recepient can see the color,  smell the scent and feel the texture. 

May God help you to know what you need to do before the time is over. 

“What is the meaning of life with too much pain? Why would you still live when all around you has been experiences of rejection, unrecognition and a past that you can not correct? Why should you live when your loved one is no more with you?”

Allow me stray a bit with a story.

There was this disciple Judas. He was a keen, well educated man. Diligent in his works thus had an opportunity to sit with kings. But he did a mistake, he betrayed his master. His master knew it and sort in every way to have Judas  back. but he seemed head-strong. Until the last minute as the master tried to call his attention to forsake what he had decided, instead of yielding, he walked out to fasten the process before he is convinced to change his objectives. 

As the events unfolded, the master was captured and delivered into the arms of the enemy. Judas believed that his master will work his way out and be safe therefore he will benefit with free man. He was surprised to see his master yield to the enemy. Every torture his master received knocked Judas to his senses. Sooner than later, He realized he had betrayed an innocent man. 

This did not settle well with Judas. He decided to return the gains to the payer. But the deal was already sealed. How terrible a mistake. He could not stand the guilt. He decided not to talk about it but instead take his life. Guilt took charge.

This may be what you may be going through right now. or it may be something your friend or loved one is going through. You can not stand your conscious How can you help?

If it is your friend, it is important to note that when such thoughts come, it is not wrong to talk about them. It is healthy to discuss how they feel. Seek to understand them. Don't rush to over a solution before knowing exactly what they are going through. This may be a sign of them seeking support, specifically emotional support. If you are a parent or a caregiver, talk with the children about their feelings without demeaning them. Observe their physical conditions. Some may have been going through self-harm, an attempt of punishing one's self due to guilt or shame associated with what they are going or gone through. This may be evident through body marks.

This state is the last symptom of depression which makes it important that the underlying cause be established and addressed through exercise and open discussion without any prejudice. Also know your friends well to a point of knowing any slight change in their normal operation. Buy them roses while they are alive. Take them out while they have sight. Call them while they can speak. Text them while they can respond. Reach out to them while they are there.

To you who is going through this hard time, you are not alone. He whose eyes is on the sparrow, watches over you. There is no tear you shed that does not hurt him. there is no pain you go through that he can not relate with. He fed people, healed their loved ones and supplied their needs but still when it was their time to stand for him, they chose a thief in place of him. He had no biological father. He came from a poor background. His lineage was of sinners. I think all this can tell you that he can relate with any rejection, any poverty and any past you may have had.

I introduce you to this man Jesus. He is always ready to listen to you. All you need is to trust His leading. It may not be easy to trust someone you have never seen but believe you me, I have seen His work. His presence I have felt. Yo may lack a shoulder to cry on but you will never lack a ground to kneel on. Give Him a chance today. He will transform your past, He will heal your hurt. There is no pain He can fail to identify with.

For a long while, I thought each time I had eyes worth the task of identifying clearly what I wanted. But this was all a lie the moment I realized I was growing with more than four broken relationships, or I should call them by their right name, infatuations. 

The moment I met you in my life, it was not so clear whether I was really ready to have you in my life. At first, I counted you as one of my daughters. Not until I noticed you were not comfortable with the 'daughter' thing.

I had a past that I never wanted to infect you with. I had to cherish you in all ways and your happiness was to be my priority. I chose to keep you in the shade served with anxiety. Each day was a temptation to let you know my feelings and thoughts. I knew it will never last for long before you know the truth. 

It has been moments of reflecting on whether I was ready for you. 

Will I make it to maintain your happiness or will I be another cause of your sadness? Will you wake, later in life, each day not regretting having had me as your husband or I will be the most absurd decision you would have made? When age will have taken all that pleases the eye, will still our hearts be bound for the better and for the worse? Will I be comfortable relating with your past, a past I know not about? Will i be comfortable telling you what worries me?

On the other hand, will I still keep you as a friend if you turn me down, or will I just hate you? Will I be comfortable knowing that you are having a relationship that is not with me but you are happy or I will just be jealous? If you will invite me to your family, will I still come with a smile that you are happy or will I be wishing you broke up? If I see you with another gentleman, will I man up and think nothing is going on between the two of you?

I have been told a lot by those who know about my feelings and thought for you. I have had a reflection of thoughts and considered whether they are of selfish ambition. I wish I could foresee the future. I wish I could read your mind. But maybe not knowing anything is a safe way of keeping both of us happy. 

As I write this it is way past midnight but the thought of you had to compel me unto writing about you. 41 minutes already consumed past the mid hour of the night. I wish to pray and leave it to God. 

When the appropriate day shall be, I shall share with you this, it is what I have promised. And if you are reading this, it is because it was meant for this time. Your happiness is my greatest dream. Wherever you are, may the smiles keep you. I love you💜💕

In computer operation, the shift and delete buttons, when pressed together, enable permanent deletion of a folder or item without sending it to a trash or recycle bin that may allow second thought.

Have you ever thought of your past life and felt like you could press the shift+delete button and let it off your life to never recall of it?

Personally, I have had and I know I still have and will have moments that I will never wish to have a memory of in my life. Moments when I wish all would be erased and rerecorded. Moments of darkness and shame. Yes, moments I would wish nobody knows about. Moments that reflect pain and struggle between right and wrong. When I have no victory over myself. When I have lost hope and forgotten the light that has lead me that far.

But when I sit and consider one man by the name David, I also realize he had his dark moments that he wished he could have a chance to rewrite his past.

Who really was this man David?

Simple history states that, David was a son of Jesse not the eldest but the youngest. He was never raised to be a protector as his elder siblings were but a shepherd. But this gave him enough experience to do what God had purposed him to. I don’t know how it felt to be honored above his elder brothers but I trust it was something to be proud of.

Despite this David lives a life that had a lot of successes and failures. But a good comment is made of him that he was a man after God’s heart, a man who God could count on.

Considering this man’s “shift-delete” moment in Psalms 51.

In case you are not aware of the background to this cry, check it out in the book of 2 Samuel 12

Having been a great friend of God, David understood how much it will cost him to transgress against God. This is why in verse 4 he could openly say that it is against God he had sinned.

Unlike me and you, David knows something, he has no ability to Shift and delete this moment. He claims the promise that God makes that a new hear will He give us and take away our stony hearts, thus pray saying, “Create in me a clean heart, o God and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.”

Wait, do you recall David playing a harp to Saul after the Spirit of God departed from Saul?

David knew exactly what could happen if God decides to cast him out of His presence and withdraw His spirit from him.

To cut the long story short, we are called upon to acknowledge those dark moments of our lives, accept the chastisement therein and from it teach others of how God is merciful if they approach Him with “a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart” which He will not despise for it is His sacrifice. This is the only way we can shift and delete our past dark moments. Not that these moments will leave us but out of them we would have learnt experience on how to overcome they come next.

One thing that gives me hope is that, despite the past God always considers me His child, despite my unworthy, He has bought me with the gold of His son’s blood and the silver of His love. No price has not been paid for such a transgressor as I. How I pray you too come unto realization of this very fact and let not your past define your present or future but it be a caution against making future equal or even comparative errors.

Remember you are precious in His sight.

Have you reached a point where you say you can’t handle it anymore? Where the tears have to flow, or the hand left loose?

If you have never, personally I have. In such moments I feel I wish I had known all that was happening was but a dream. But that is not what it turns to be most of the time.

Rationally between two people and how we relate it with that of God. A lot happen in this simple life but have we ever considered the power of the following two statements, “I forgive you” and “I am sorry”? these statements are more powerful than the commonly used statement, “I love you”. But the loose meaning when the statement, “I can’t love you anymore” or” I can’t forget this”.

In a relationship three worded statements normally build but when a lot of words come in, they are destroyed.

Now as I sit reflecting on how as human beings, we have ever considered ourselves when it comes to matters relationships, I realize we are not becoming the ultimate image of God which is our ultimate purpose. Consider what was said before our creation, “Let us make man…” How many times have we made ourselves a reflection of our own sinful selves? How many times have we said one to another, “I can’t love you anymore?” be it to our sisters or to our brothers or even to those we treasure much and even those we at one time thought could share life’s moments of joy and of grieve?

I am not an exceptional.

At one point I have felt a no more spirit instead of a normal spirit. There are many moments I have said it is over and even I don’t think it is best for us to talk to each other. But as I consider tonight this topic I have always felt guilty of how I made someone feel. How I lowered their esteem to a point they considered themselves unlovable, ugly and even worthless to live. How tears of bitterness formed within their faces and even their souls. How broken they felt, choked with the life this world offers. I made them hate people as if all were bad without considering people are not the same.

Yeah, two wrongs cannot make a right they say. That is why I have considered resetting to default setting. Personally, that is a task that I cannot do but I have known one who can do it for me. I need not only to forgive and forget, but to love once again. To say “I love you more and more despite how much bad you do to me, I will still love you”

David knowing how hard this was, he writes saying,

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10

As I conclude this blog, consider if God was man, what will He have done to you and me over the sins we do against Him daily? But consider what He has done instead. He has “…loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” What Joy within our heart should this bring! How much is it needed that we too may reflect this love to others!

Friend,

“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” 1John 3:1,2

Let us love more.

She has gone through enough. 
Reminding her of the past will be though,
All she needs is love,
From deep down to laugh.

I ought not to sadden her in any way,
Else I will be stray
But from the heart may I love display
The happiness it may pay.

I may have messed up in my life.
Hurting someone as you have been hurt,
Guilt daily has me judged.
But I never knew that this is how it can.

To stand by and for her I pray
That she may experience exactly,
What she has wished could make her happy.
I will daily learn to care and love her the best I could.

I don't know whether I am ready to keep this,
But to God I ease,
That I may remember to love her the best,
That to His call I may heed,
To reflect His love through her.
So, remind me Lord.